How can I make my relationship better?
Sitting there wondering what you can do to make your relationship better is easy. Actually doing something is the hard party.
Do you remember the story of Snow White?
“Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?”
“Thou, O Queen, art the fairest in the land,” said the mirror.
Then one day, the mirror said to the Queen, “Snow White, O Queen, is the fairest of them all.”
The Queen was so obsessed with physical beauty that she failed to see the ugliness that was inside of her.
The hatred, the jealousy the utter contempt. Instead she was adamant that if she was physically beautiful that would be all she needed. It is akin to expecting that simply asking yourself what you can do to make your relationship better will fix everything.
Snow White on the other hand was beautiful on the inside. Kind, caring, understanding and helpful. She showed genuine concern and empathy for those around her. More than this though, the interactions that she had with the dwarves were without judgement or ego. She didn’t expect anything in return, but equally held her boundaries so they knew what was expected of them.
If the mirror pointed this out to the Queen – do you think this would have changed what happened? Do you think the Queen would have stopped and looked at herself and realised that she needed to change? Probably not.
Unless we want to actually make our relationships better we won’t see our own faults.
We will only see what we think is wrong with others and place the blame there.
But have you noticed that often the very thing we think is wrong with other’s is what is wrong with us?
Take the Queen for example. She couldn’t stand how nice and caring Snow White was. That was the very thing that she was missing.
Being able to see our faults is a gift but to recognise when we are wrong is an even bigger gift.
To recognise when our ego and judgement are standing in the way of our growth is the best gift one can be given.
The only person who can give this to you. Is you!
But, do you want this?
Are you ready to see what you are really like? Are you ready to open that box, because once it is open it will be hard to close it.
Once you get a glimpse of what you are like you can fight it. You can tell yourself it is rubbish or you can pretend that you have no faults. But then why do the work in the first place?
Alternatively, you can face it, own it and work on it.
Each and everyone of us has traits that could be better.
Sarcasm, tone, body language, self belief, commitment, attitude, empathy, jealousy, kindness these are just a few.
The real power comes not only in recognising them but in recognising them when you are acting that way and choosing to stop and go down a different route. Realising when you are:
Being jealous and instead choosing kindness.
Being egotistical and instead choosing to listen.
Showing no consideration and choosing instead to act with empathy.
This is where the power lies.
So then why would you go to the effort of doing the work to ignore it?
Why ask the mirror the question if you don’t want to hear the answer?